The Beginning....Again

It's always difficult when God wants you to let go of things or people you plan your life around or with. I for one am a control freak. I plan everything! I highly dislike surprises or things that deviate from the plan. So you can imagine my walk with God is a shaky one. Not so much because of him but because I gotta be in control. God recently had me let go of someone I thought would be my forever. And I find myself in a tassel with God because yet again, someone close to my heart is gone. 

My need to be in control is fueled by my trust issues. And as I take the time to write my feelings out, it finally dawned on me. I have trust issues with God! Wow. That's horrible to say. It's hard for me to trust that his way will lead to happiness for me. I mean Everytime I have someone in my life that I feel content with, he tends to remove them. I have always had to be reserved with my emotions. I never really had anyone to talk to. Anytime something happened to me or I feel any hurt, joy or uncertainty I kinda just kept it to myself. God didn't bless me with someone of my own. So now that I'm older and everyone is getting married etc. I don't trust that he will have someone for me. He didn't before, why now? So I tend to try to take control and find my own person-my partner (best friend or boyfriend). 

I mean here I am a servant of the great I AM and I don't trust that he will. I trust God with every other aspect of life except for love (friendships, family and romantic). I don't know why I can't just let it go to him. I tried praying it away, that didn't work. I had to begin...again. I tried to make things happen myself by going after the guy or forcing that friendship, that didn't work. I had to begin...again. I have 5 brothers and sisters. I don't have a standing relationship with none. I tried to open up and trust, that didn't work. I had to begin...again. 

I've been at my church for 4 years now. I know about a handful of people. And that effort was only recently (past few months). I don't trust. I'm scare out of my mind of trusting ppl again. I've been hurt already. I look very strong and fearless to many people. But I cringe when someone asks to many questions. When they request me on FB or IG (even though my pages are simply filled with scripture and inspiring quotes and prayers of encouragement). When I get close to people my spirit says God if I let this person in, please don't take them away or ask me to leave them. 

My dream is to find love, get married and have some babies. Lol. Now for the average person that thought would have them smiling for a whole day. But for me, I smile for a while but then I get scared that just like everyone else. They will leave me too. I don't know how to feel or what to do anymore. 

I don't believe it is Gods will for my life to be in a constant state of beginning again... To fear love  and to have a lack of  trust in him. Help me pray for true surrenderence to God. 

Lord, you know the burdens of my soul and the hopes of my heart. Father, I pray for strength to let go and to fully trust in your will for my life. Lord, lead me and guide me. Bind and cast away the spirit of fear hovering over me, O God. I pray your Holy Spirit comfort me as I surrender every aspect of my life to you. And Lord, if it be your will that I don't marry or have children or be attached to anyone, please Lord give me the strength to endure and not have a hardened heart. 

I pray in the mighty name of Christ, Jesus. 

Amen.